5 lessons on the path to reconciliation

 

For a long time, I thought it was okay to cut ties with those I didn’t get along with, especially when they didn’t share my faith. I did it for example with some members of my family, and when I made up my mind to reconnect with them after three years, I saw that they had gone through great trials. Much to my regret, I had missed the opportunity to show them God’s love. This incident taught me one more lesson about reconciliation, and about my relationships with those close to me. 

1- Identifying the problem

About ten years ago, my parents had just been assigned by the church to another town, and my younger sisters and I were left home alone. Being the eldest, I was the one who received and managed the family budget. I tried to avoid unnecessary expenses and to save as much as possible so that I could handle the unexpected. My sisters did not receive any pocket money in particular, apart from the money for the taxi and lunch for school. Therefore, when there was an unexpected inflow of money - for example, a visitor leaving us some money, they hoped that this donation would be shared as pocket money. However, I collected this to add it to the ration because I thought it was the most important. We did not speak openly about it, but it was obvious that there was general dissatisfaction.

One evening, during prayer, I decided to burst the abscess. But, instead of talking specifically about the money problem, I started by making a list of everything I criticized them for: their lack of commitment - in my opinion - to church, their attitude, etc. It was when one of them burst into tears that I realized my mistake. I hadn't bothered to identify the problem and think about the solution, with the help of the Holy Spirit, before I spoke about it.

When the relationship with a loved one is blurred, I try to identify the problem, not to focus on it, but to seek a solution. On the other hand, it is also not about reviewing the faults of others. I would always like to remember the grace granted to me, in order to offer it to others.

2- Traveling companions: intercessors 

Years ago, I had a pretty serious argument with my parents. I was so depressed that I travelled to another town. There, I accidentally met my bible teacher from high school. A man with mature faith who listened to me and advised me objectively. He seriously prayed for me when I went back home to be reconciled with them. The Lord has answered our prayers by working in our hearts to give us peace. This taught me the importance of intercession in such a process. In each case, I’ve asked one or two people to pray. People who are quite mature in the faith so that this doesn’t become a gossip. Also, people who don’t personally know the person with whom I want to reconnect. I don’t want the issue to affect their relationship. 

3- Taking the first step, but also the second, and the third     

The expression says " take the first step ". But it often needs more than one step to walk the path of reconciliation. Sometimes, by the grace of God, work is also being done in the heart of the other, and we meet them coming our way. So much the better! But often you have to arm yourself with patience and courage to see it through. Some years ago, some old family feud had caused a separation from our paternal grandmother. She moved to an aunt, and the two homes were now like two opposing teams. At first, I thought it wasn’t my business, it was my father's. But the Lord put in my heart the desire to reconnect with my grandmother. I started to visit her. The beginnings were difficult, I was not always welcome. I often came home discouraged and promising myself not to try again, but the Lord always urged me to go. It took me about twenty visits to see a change. In the end, the reconciliation was like a blessing rain that watered not only the land between my grandmother and me, but also my aunt and her children; and the most important, between my grandmother and my father. Today she spends her old days by his side.

4 – Identifying my real motivation        

In a stepfamily, it takes time and grace to bond. With my stepmother, there were confrontations and failed attempts at reconciliation. When I look back, I see that one of the reasons was my motivation.

I can claim to want to make peace with someone, but deep down what I really want is: 

- that they concede the harm they have done to me: with such a motivation, consciously or not, my words would be those of an accuser: " What you did ... " " You said ... " And if I have to apologize, I would say something like: " If I hurt you, then I’m sorry." In other words, I don’t think I have to blame myself. I’d have probably succeed to get my resentment off my chest, but certainly not to restore peace.                     

- that they change: Terms such as " You should learn to ... ", " From now on ... " proves that I believe myself superior to them. And yet God himself in His holiness loved me while I was a sinner. How can I think that my neighbor should improve in order to “deserve” a relationship with me?                    

- that the damage be repaired: If some things can be recovered, that’s great! But often we can't change the past. We can forgive, learn lessons, move forward with God's help. None of our experiences are lost. God is almighty to make them work together for our good.

  5 – As far as it depends on me ...

Some things depend on me: my feelings toward others, the actions I take, the ability to take the first step, the decision to forgive, to not make it a subject of gossip, to pray. 

But others things don’t depend on me: people’s feelings towards me, their actions, their reaction to my reconciliation process. 

I may find on the other side someone as willing as I am to reestablish the relationship, or someone who doesn't matter that much. I can find someone who uses my outstretched hand to turn it into a victory trophy, or someone who doesn't want things to change.

But I remain responsible for my feelings and actions, and not those of others. If I have done what I should for peace, I have obeyed God’s commandment and I leave all things into his hands.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on me, I want to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18).